THE TIM

Letting Men be Men

squashed:

I’ve encountered a series of articles and books arguing that men need to get past all this touchy-feely crap and do manly things again—like go hunting, drive bigger cars, and maintain an stoic, uncommunicative tough-guy face as their relationships crumble and they die inside. The general thesis is is that feminism has emasculated men by forcing them to take out the garbage and know how many children they have. Men, the thought goes, are supposed to do macho things—and when feminism tells them they have to stop pinching their female coworkers, men get surly and oppressed.

These articles have important something true—and run the wrong way with it. Men do face a set of societal pressures that push them to act in unhealthy ways. Too often feminism (or certain strands of feminism) has left some of these unquestioned or even reinforced them. And everybody, regardless of gender, could benefit from doing something adrenaline-filled and outdoorsy.

But men do not need to be liberated from things like effective communication and doing their share of the household tasks. I know some of these are difficult or tedious—but they’re that way for everybody. And they are important. If men need to be liberated from some social pressure, it is the pressure to act in self-damaging ways to achieve something men are expected to want. Do I want to sleep with this attractive stranger? For men, the expected answer is an unreflective yes. Often a better answer would be, “Given my current emotional state, the inherent risks, and the damage it would cause my other relationships, perhaps now is not the right time for a meaningless physical encounter.” (Or, more concisely, “No.”) Of course, this answer is a bit tricky to explain to the woman in question or the buddies the next day. There is also the expectation that men will work full-time. The stay-at-home dad has it better than he did twenty or thirty years ago—but there are still some raised eyebrows. Then there is the expectation that men find emotional intimacy confusing or burdensome. Too often men buy into this lie and don’t put sufficient effort into their relationships. I don’t point these things out to argue that men have it more tough or are somehow oppressed—but I want it to be clear that societal expectations and stereotypes have consequences for all genders.

So I am not particularly sympathetic when somebody comes along and says that men need to reclaim traditional notions of masculinity. Let them die. If you want play football with the guys, play football with the guys—but do it because you wante to, not because somebody told you it was the manly thing to do. And if the guys decide they would prefer to have a book group or a knitting circle, have they somehow failed to live up to a gendered imperative? Societal expectations can be useful, to the extent that they are useful or promote healthy behavior. But when they set us up for failure, let’s chuck them out. Efforts to revivify traditional notions of masculinity are, at best, misguided. Sure, hormones and whatnot are influential enough on our behavior that there probably are concrete differences between men and women, but it seems highly improbable that a slightly higher testosterone level creates some sort of biological imperative to watch football and ignore your children. Be a man, but don’t believe for a second that the only way to be a man is to define yourself by antiquated and socially constructed stereotypes.

I think it is extremely important for men to be able to be men.  Society and the media, at times, has depicted the man as weak and dumb.  Everybody loves Raymond, King of Queens, etc.  Those sitcoms have given our society the idea that men are “dumb” and can’t make smart decisions or always goof off and make mistakes.  I know men who love to scrapbook, knit, and stay at home with their kids.  Those are some of the manliest men I know!  As a man it is our responsibility to take care of our families!  It doesn’t matter how loud we burp, or how much we can drink.  You can be a man in many different ways, lets not set some kind of idiotic standard.  A great book for those MEN out there……Wild At Heart

Good work Squashed!